Choose yourself: it’s more scary to be safe than to be brave

Transcript from my Dec 18 morning pages.

There are a lot of things I don’t know, and more things I don’t understand… but beyond all, I think I’m the best and I’m not saying that in an “I’m better than everyone” way.

I’m just saying— I don’t care about people, I don’t envy anyone, I’m literally just minding my own business. I’m so focused on myself that I don’t care about what anyone is doing.

I think that’s what makes me the best… because if everyone just focused on themselves like I focus on myself, then we could all be ourselves. And if we’re all authentically ourselves, then life would be better.

Resentment, envy, and all these feelings are just caused by the ego creating resistance to who you are— who you really are.

If only everyone knew who they really are— and it’s not even about knowing; it’s about knowing AND being coherent with your actions. I’ve also come to the realization that there are a lot of people that have touched their truth, and they still choose every day to not follow themselves, not be themselves… which I consider impossible. 

How could you know truth and choose illusion? The answer is a sense of safety– people feel safe lying to themselves because that's what they have been doing their whole fcking life. That's what everyone seems to keep doing?

I know it’s hard, but I think it’s harder to not choose yourself… in my opinion, it’s unavoidable.

Even when I’ve gone through periods where I have maybe not chosen myself fully, I can’t stand it, it’s really hard, it’s impossible to sustain long-term. 

I don’t know how to explain it but honestly, today, my wish for humanity right now is that everyone finds it impossible too. 

Find it impossible to not be yourself, or not find yourself, or not follow your own destiny rather than being controlled by invisible rules and social conditioning.

That’s my wish today for everyone— to make it really hard not to do so. I don’t think the issue is about ego/mind. I think the issue is about comfort in ego, comfort in safety, in not choosing yourself and not being yourself. 

I think that’s the problem— how safe it feels because it’s a learned pattern and it’s something humanity has been doing forever.

My wish today for everyone is fear in safety. To be more scared of not being yourself than of being yourself. 

The problem is that people are too safe in their miserable lives, in their miserable jobs, and their miserable ego/mind domination… so they don’t even question, they don’t move, they just accept and surrender to fake invisible constraints they’ve put on themselves. So I guess what I want to invoke today right now is—

It’s more scary to be safe than to be brave. 

That’s what I want to be implanted in everyone today. 

It’s more scary to be safe because you’re dying without living!!!

You’re wasting your time playing it safe, not living the life you actually want... rather than having the courage to stand in darkness and choose yourself even when you can’t see anything around you.

Today it's more scary to follow a common path— making yourself small and betraying yourself now for a fake "promised" later.

vs.

Being brave and not tolerating anything less than what you really want NOW... Standing in the unknown, trusting yourself to know without knowing. 

Safety without truth = slow death

Uncertainty with alignment = life

Your choice every day. Time will pass anyway.

When I think about my life I’m like "I chose all of this... why choose so much hardship?" and then I'm like "well because you wanted to overcome the hardship— that’s the whole point."

The point is not being healed, the point is the process of healing. 

You put so many obstacles in your path because you wanted them, because you crave adventure, because you crave down so you can feel up, because you crave pain so you can feel joy. There’s no joy without pain, you know… you need contrast to differentiate. No light without darkness, no positive without negative— existence of one is dependent on the other.

When I think about God it’s like; God = everything that there is, and everything that there is is not able to know that it’s everything that there is if there isn’t something that prevents the acknowledgment of it… which is why I believe we came to this world to forget that we are everything that there is so that we can remember everything we are— everything that there is.

Forget through mind, remember through presence.

Human life: forget to remember. How exciting?

I find this whole experience very interesting because I feel the duality within my own being. I feel the power, I feel the infinity within me… but it’s contained in a finite form so it makes me have this dual experience where I know without knowing, but at the same time, I feel the fragility of my form. 

It’s like humans were created as a complete opposite of the divine just so the divine could experience becoming and being divine through fragility, through humanity. 

I know I’m meant for great things. I don’t know what, where, when, I have no idea and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if it happens or if it doesn’t, who cares? Isn’t that the whole point of it? Surprise, unknown, excitement. 

If you already knew everything, if you already knew how the story goes and ends… would you read the book? I don’t think so. 

For now, I’ll focus on the space between each word and on reading each page like I couldn’t go back to it.

Today I enjoy being in the sentence instead of rushing to the period.

How exciting? How exciting to feel how my body lights up when I talk without knowing what I’m gonna say. 

I think that’s what I like the most about myself… that I’m not scared, I’m not scared to walk without seeing anything. I’m not scared to talk without knowing what I’m gonna say.

I’m not scared about anything, why would I be scared? What is the scary part?

The scary part is not moving because you can’t see, not speaking because you don’t know what to say, that’s what’s scary for me. 

Just being able to speak like this and say what I said without even knowing what I said is magic for me, I think I know— that’s God. 

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